My Shape in the World

[alicia_h]

I
an only child
with two parents
doesn't really remember them together
because they're better apart
there were brothers and sisters
at least in her mother's head
she wonders sometimes if they are more important than her
constantly reminded, she only met one
four years old, holding a tiny thing, she doesn't remember seeing him now
"is his voice in heaven?"
an innocent question
here's another one
if you're never really alive are you ever really dead?


II
a christian cult
9 o'clock
she wanted the church to be haunted
always wanted to see a ghost
yet always shrank away from dark corners
still does
dad saw a ghost once
or so he told her
roleplaying in a real castle
pretending to be dead
a light on the wall
her eyes went wide
now he says it was probably a car
and she nods
but she still gets spooked sometimes
an atheist family
Bright
he thinks rationally and so does she


III
things come and go
sometimes they come back
sometimes they don't
all those pretend friends from out of her head
plastic lions and fantastic phantoms
and not forgetting all her little ponies
then came the werewolves
and the vampires
and the chosen one
the first heroine
music entered her consciousness
she doesn't remember how
maybe it was seeing the madman at the dragon festival
it was a pick n mix right from the start
that nineties girl band, never the boys,
and her dad's music
then there was mum's buddy holly record
in the years since she's fallen in and out of love
but mostly in
with jangly minstrels under a violet moon
with royalty
with the band behind the wall
and those four lads from liverpool
but the queen of diamonds
and her vagabond prince
really brought it home
i think i knew her song
before i knew his
but it's so hard to tell
because i heard them both from out the night
times have changed
and i found them
and though i'm finding new friends by the day
i don't think i'll ever let these two go


IV
he was the little boy
lost in the big city
who wanted to grow up to be woody guthrie
i know how he felt
why he wanted to be like his last idol
but he couldn't help cutting his own
shape in the world
i want to do that too
and i'm beginning to accept that
the time will come soon
when i'll have to
it might be a small town i get lost in
but that's okay
because i don't want to get in over my head
i'm only short after all